God Helps Those Who Help Me

Specimen 1: from St. Tropez.  1 cm.  in length.  Rough texture.  Light brown in colouration.  Salty in taste.

Specimen 2: from Okinawa.  .85 cm in length.  Light brown in colouration, with pale purples and reds.  Salty in taste.

Specimen 3: from a crusty Maryland gentleman.  .45 cm in length.    Salty in taste, notes of vanilla.  Possibly a flounder perineum.

Specimen 4: from Cancun.  .78 cm in length.  Fuzzy texture.  Smells of lime.  Salty in taste.

Hello.  I'm Dr. Leonard Chork.  This is merely a (salty) taste of my extensive and remarkably eclectic collection of blowfish perineums, which I am selling off - once in a lifetime opporunity! - for the low low price of 40 euros a perineum.  Please write to Christie's for the entire catalogue, or consult their web-based "page." 

Thank you.  This is Dr. Leonard Chork, saying - you need electricity and regular meals more than you think you do.

Love,
Dr. Leonard Chork.

Oh, hello!  I didn't see you there.  I am Dr. Leonard Chork.  You find me in a financially uncomfortable position.  It seems my investments in heroin futures have gone regrettably sour.  While we wait for my electricity to come back on, please warm yourself by this burning pile of my own waste products.  Oh no, I insist.  Of course.  It's my pleasure. 

I apologize for the unannounced hiatus, mesdames et mes soeurs.  You see, while my life savings were being wiped out, I was on holiday in Delaware.  The name comes from the French de la Ware, which means "Of the Ware."  You might know it better, however, by its English nom, "Somewhere Between Maryland and New Jersey."  

This "Small Wonder" is no bigger than a Dutchman's scrotum, but is nonethemore a delightful pocket of the American east coast.  Despite its small size, it is home to numerous shopping centres and strippers.  My vacation home was within stone's throw of the ocean, two Food Lions, and four rather humourless Pennsylvanians.  It was decorated simply, in the American "rustic" style, with an inspirational quantity of ceramic pelicans.  I believe they are traded as the local currency in this primitive community.  Don't tuck one into a dancer's g-string, though.  It's cash or nothing for these cosmopolites.

In conclusion, they may have two senators too many and an utterly superfluous public education system, but they are a cheerful (if indolent) people who live from Biker Week to Biker Week, and there is nothing wrong with that if you are not Christian enough to go to heaven anyway.

Love,
Dr. Leonard Chork

This week's racial minority: Mickey Rooney's hilarious turn as a Japanese landlord in Breakfast at Tiffany's.
STATUS: Pending.

 

Well, if we aren't here again, us!

Dr. Leonard Chork is my name.  The Small Sacrifice has only just finished our luncheon as it became rather a thing - the guests just wouldn't leave, and well at some point you simply have to send out for whiskeys and lichen wine if you have any hope at all of keeping the benevoles amused, ho ho?  I thought I'd duck out of sweeping up rubbers to drop you dear friends a little line.

I am quite pleased to report that we raked in some 20,000 quid for our little charity.  As you probably know, our ministry is staunchly against the exploitation of children for the perverse sexual gratifications of adults, which is what NO! SEX 4 BABYS*  is all about.   Is there anything more evil, more hateful than child pornography (apart from socialism)?  Does nothing blacken man more darkly in the eyes of the Lord (again, other than socialism)?  Thus, our demands regarding the regulation of child pornography are simple and unequivocal:

One: HEALTH AND SAFETY.  A tutor per two children, and a nurse per ten on every child pornography set.  One half hour break for children under the age of 12 for every 4 hours on camera.  Maximum 8 minutes on camera per day for infants below the age of one year(s).

Two: A TASTEFUL AESTHETIC.  No child under the age of 11 (girls) and 10 (boys) may appear in a child pornography film in a sexual role.

Three: EMPOWERMENT. Children must maintain creative control and distribution rights over all pornographic projects in which they appear. 

Four: SMALLER LEGAL BILLS. A parent or legal guardian of a minor in a pornographic film must submit written authorization permitting his or her child to appear in said film AND said written authorization must arrive by email or mail NO LATER than 1 WEEK following the end of shooting.  NO LATER than 1 YEAR for children who do not appear in a sexual role. 

Five.  UNIONIZATION WITHIN REASON.  The right of child pornographic performers to organize and demonstrate for the improvement of the conditions of their employment, except where these interfere with the mechanics of the free market.

Together we can end this disgusting practice of manipulation, deceit, and abuse.  Won't you please join us, or risk life in hell with Hitler and eventually Paul Krugman? 

love always,
Uncle Sticky Fingers just kidding -
really I am

Dr. Leonard Chork


*NO! Say EXcellent 4 Barristers And Bankers about Youth Sex

Congratulations, once again, to Dr. Leonard Chork, because my readership has doubled in the past 24 hours!  Isn't that just?

Readers, have you tried a strange little bon bon called tic tac?  They are absolutely delightful; I cannot praise these little pellets enough.  Small enough for refreshment in the most surprising of places.

Well, I hope I didn't alarm you by my last entry; I managed to find my way back to Mother England just fine.  I won't give you the details of how I persuaded Mrs. Kyle Solssen to let me leave - let's just say they involved a meat locker, a quart of gin, one very dry 62 year old vagina, and a number of herbal supplements.   I've done it before and I'd do it again.

Anyhow, I'm back now, and ready to resume the Lord's work.  My ministry, The Small Sacrifice, will be running a benefit luncheon tomorrow to raise funds for our little pet charity.  Don't touch that radio dial!

Good evening to you.
Dr. Leonard Chork.

Oh, dear creatures, hello.

Dr. Leonard Chork here.  I wish I could tell you where I am, but the fact of the matter is I haven't any idea at all.  It's most extraordinary.  I seem to recall I spent the night in Ceylon, in the wretchedly fashionable winter estate of my dear friend Monsieur le Premier Ministre, but bless me if I haven't woken up in a weird little house in Ypsilanti.  Owned by a dear old thing - sweet lady but a bit up the tree, if you understand my meaning.  And also, her left arm is absolutely empty of bones.  She had them positively extracted, and the nerves too.  She encouraged me to try to take a chew on it, might as well, said she, seeing as she can't feel a thing, but I demured.  Madam, said I, nothing would please me more, but damned if I'll take a nibble on my hostess's limp arm sac when we have only just been acquainted.  I am a gentleman after all.  We got along quite well after that, bless the American tart.

Anyhow, last time I lick toads with M le PM.  And I should mention too the man is a raging homosexual.  I mean irate.  I was positively off my socks.  Goodness knows what I agreed too. 

Well, my kind hostess has made me a charming sautee of poison ivy and hamsters, and I would absolutely offend her if I didn't swallow it down.  Cheers to you, my dear friends.  Here's hoping I didn't impregnate any of you fine people on this utterly curious bender of mine.  Good night.

This week's racial minority: Kylie Minogue.
STATUS: Accepted.

Congratulations are in order, gentlemen!  This is my first entry.

You might have asked yourself, if you were me (and I am), "Dr. Leonard Chork, you have led one of the most extraordinary lives of all time.  You are the author or plagiarist of some 200 books.  You are irresistible to women, men, children, animals, and baby animals.  Why have you waited so long to open yourself to the world on an intimate, day by day basis?"

Friends.  I know how much you want this 'bchronicle, though none of you has mentioned as much.   End your silent pain!  The world has cried out for Chork, and she shall have him, as Our Lord gave Mary her son Jesus Christ: mysteriously, without asking first.

I am writing to you from safari, where I am studying the South African Singing Rhino.  This beast  is truly fascinating.  I am only beginning to understand him, and I have shot at least 50 today alone (that only leaves 50-70 more before we are out all together!).  There is one now not 20 metres from our camp.  It is humming "My Way" and believe me sir, it is an eerie sound.  Well, I've shot it now, but it was terribly eerie.  

Theoretically Asked Questions:

Q: Dr. Leonard Chork, how often will you be writing to us?
DLC: I will update as my schedule allows, friends.

Q: For which adventures are we in?
DLC: Next week I am cataloguing my vast collection of blowfish perineums.

Q: Where may I send my generous contribution to the Dr. Leonard Chork Institute for the Acquisition of Expensive Cars?
DLC:  I will post the address R.S.V.P.

Q: Who may read this blog?
DLC: Dr. Leonard Chork does not discriminate with respect to race, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation, but he would like to keep his hearing-impaired readership to less than .05%, if that's all right with you.  Sorry: IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU.  Also, ladies should be between the ages of 18 & 18 and a half, have red hair and be sexually active.  Gay gentlemen who don't seem gay should not read this blog.  Racial minorities will be considered on a case by case basis.


This week's racial minority:  White people in predominantly nonwhite countries.  
STATUS: Accepted.